Had I been writing this before my first love break up,
I would have started as on an Usual journey.
But this journey is not anymore usual. Every year I had two reasons to visit my native. One was him, the other was Him. The former came later in my life when I learnt to do mistakes consciously, My First Love. The later has always been in my life since the time I knew not what mistakes were, My First Father.. The love of my life…With endless adjectives failing to describe my love for him.. I go for the usual word “My Grand pa”. When both reasons left me forever… I chose to stay away from the beautiful memories that brought them before the eye of heart, sometimes, made me smile and shed a tear drop!
But today this journey is a different one.. Well not the usual one. Yes! Memories do flood back to the centre of my brain. I still get the chocking feel, when I think about incidents I wish I never witnessed. It still pulls me back to a mirror that shows, how immature and irresponsible I was to my own self.
But It is no more painful. As I cross the Flyover in the Chennai-Trichy Highway…My heart soothes to say I have crossed the bridge. The phase is over where faces felt fearsome to face! Where memories were a malignant menace. You may ask me why I have to wallow in the past. Well, It is like going back to the days of being stupid to get a reminder to not be once again. The next question may arise.. So Sarah...Do you feel Love is Stupidity? Absolutely Not! Love is the gasoline to heart’s functioning. Like the Oryza Oil Advertisement I would perform an Adzap for Love. Well, the stupidity is when immaturity messes up with Love. It is like plunging into the open waters without knowing the ABC of swimming. Ofcourse when you drown the rescue swimmers around will help you come up. However the lost, touching the tip of death feeling stays in the nostrils troubling for sometime and later descends to the heart into a terrifying memory.
But this journey is special. Having gotten my Me time to think write and think for the next few hours. It feels so relaxing to spend few hours dwelling in past, cascading into the present as I look out of the glass to check where I am noticing the clock tick 03:26 a.m. I transcend to thoughts about Him. He could be my future. I wish he is….
But I don’t know what is in stock for me…I remember someone saying this to me- When you like someone start showing them your negative side. Because for the first few days all you could see is flashy attractive positive side of a person blinding your sight away from their dark negative shades. True! Initially we always tend to like someone passionately and love them how so ever they are, seeing their positives. The question arises if we can love the same person, along with all their Ifs and Buts. It may sound easy to read but that is the most difficult part of Love. To Love someone as they are, not expecting them to change according to our stipulations and sophistications , and To Love them more when they do something that makes you go crazy mad in tension, anger, loneliness, dejection and any negative mood to add to the list… is the greatest challenge for any woman.
Being a girl, I am very well aware of my attention seeking, appreciation wanting, ficklish, swingy moods. Only the crazy blindness of initial attraction can let all these barriers pass away in matter of seconds to fall head over heels in love with someone and ofcourse regret it later! Pardon me readers.. I am happy if you have not regretted..
But the heart is heart. It is like the uncontrollable sea on a tsunami. It gulps you up. Being a writer gifted with little imagination I become an even more easy prey to this play of the cupids. So yeah! It is him in my thoughts now. After a number of crazy flings, he makes me feel like he is The One! The other side of my brain says “Sarah... you always feel it for everyone-CAUTION!”. Yes, Someone who cherishes unconditional love, a passionate poet, how can I stop Falling? I can only learn, to stand up every time I fall and over a time, get tired of trying hard.
But he is not the usual one. He takes me to the point where I wished I could have a restart button to my life. He makes me feel like a fresh new start. He doesn’t think like me. I may have to run around him asking to read what I write, admire the dressed up me, do drama to take me to the beach, fight like a kid to get trivial wishes done. He is stable and sensible unlike the crazy me. He doesn’t fall easily- Well he doesn’t show off that he falls. He could be tough to convince sometimes. He may not say things that please me all the time.
But not even once it felt like I am changing or giving up a part of me to be with him. Not even once I felt like I am compromising on my dignity to do the best for him. He cares like no one could possibly ever do. He handles the girl in me. He wants me to wait before I fall. He teaches me to think, think and be patient till the time is ripe.
But now...all I could see is a longing heart wanting him to ask me out on a date forever. And hold me by his side like he calls me all the time- “Princess”.
But If I’m still mixing immaturity in love? Heart says "the probability is Zero". Mind being silent as a sign of acceptance, I leave the dream to come true in its best time.
Looking outside, I realise the Journey has not ended and it is still ON
Thinking of destiny can neither speed up the pace nor hold on
But Human Mind is the greatest of creations. U can travel across time in matter of seconds and break your head into nothing but a dream or an unchangeable past.. to end up writing about it at last.